Draft – Bob Van Oosterhout
Everybody needs and wants to belong. We all want and need to feel valued, accepted, and recognized. We want to be ourselves, to be at ease in our surroundings, and to be able to discover and develop our unique gifts and potential. We want to be part of something, make meaningful contributions, and find shared interests and commitments.
Belonging and authenticity are intertwined. We can only fully be ourselves when we have a secure sense of belonging and we only truly belong when we can fully be ourselves. Authenticity without belonging is an ongoing challenge with risks and setbacks. Belonging without authenticity is false belonging. It’s not ever enough because we never know if we truly fit in when we’re trying to be someone else.
The sense of true belonging is increasingly rare in our world today and it’s a serious problem. There are hundreds of incidents of mass violence in the United States every year – almost all of them carried out by people who feel excluded and isolated. Rising rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide have been consistently linked to a lack of belonging and meaningful connection with others. False belonging attracts people to violent extremist groups and those who promote hate and fear.
U.S. Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy wrote “So many of the problems we face as a society—from addiction and violence to disengagement among workers and students to political polarization—are worsened by loneliness and disconnection. Building a more connected world holds the key to solving these and many more of the personal and societal problems confronting us today.” (“Loneliness,” Kindle Edition, p xix)
What is false belonging?
There are two broad categories of false belonging: Belonging by Exclusion and Conditional Belonging. They offer a temporary sense of connection but also generate fear, which keeps us from being ourselves. When our sense of belonging depends on excluding others (or categories of others), there’s constant pressure to “toe the line” to avoid being excluded. We have to close our hearts to exclude others. This undermines our capacity for compassion and understanding forming a barrier that prevents the relationships we have from deepening. Conditional Belonging creates an atmosphere of never-ending judgment that makes our connections dependant on how we look or act, and what we own, accomplish, or achieve. We create an image of how we believe we need to be to fit in and then struggle to live up to that image. Conditions change with the times and we’re never sure if we have enough of what it takes because we never feel we truly belong.
What does it mean to “truly belong”?
True belonging is a feeling of being valued, included, and connected without pretense or judgment. Acceptance is an important aspect of true belonging. Acceptance requires an open heart. Judgment and blame are replaced with understanding and support so we can adapt to limitations and work through mistakes. An adversarial mentality is replaced with the awareness that we are far more efficient and effective when we work together to explore possibilities and solve problems.
True belonging recognizes the fact that the greater good is best served when everyone is supported in developing their gifts and potential. It creates conditions where we can work together to improve the lives of all. True belonging produces shared responsibility, an awareness that what we do affects others, and the realization that we all have a role in creating and sustaining a healthy, vibrant community.
True belonging has no boundaries. We are closest to those who know us best and can only realistically maintain a few very close relationships. But there are circles of connection that encompass neighbors, communities, cities, states, countries, and ultimately the entire planet. We all belong on this earth. We are part of the natural world. We originated here and were born here. We belong here. We diminish that sense of belonging when we judge, blame, isolate, or exclude others and prevent them from becoming their authentic selves.
What is the “authentic self” and why does it matter?
We respect and are drawn to people whom we describe as authentic – people who aren’t caught up in appearances, are honest and transparent about their feelings and intentions, and comfortable being vulnerable.
Authenticity is not a fixed state of being. How we present ourselves depends to some extent on whom we are with. We act differently when we’re with our closest friend than we do when with a group of people we haven’t met before. There is consistency between what we say, feel, and do when we’re authentic but we also learn, grow, and adapt over time.
I find it helpful to think in terms of two layers of self: The “natural self” is our true nature. It includes our temperament and unique gifts and potential, as well as our limitations, challenges, and vulnerabilities. The “constructed self” is how we adapted to changing conditions as we grew and matured. Neither is fixed. The natural self is always in a process of emergence in line with what’s happening at the time. Think of how branches of trees in the forest twist and turn to reach sunlight in response to how other trees are doing the same thing. The constructed self is always learning and adapting to a changing, evolving world. Think of raccoons who’ve learned to thrive in cities.
I understand authenticity as a process of integrating our natural self with the healthy aspects of our constructed self. The unhealthy aspects of our constructed self are those that have adapted to a state of prolonged fear.
How does fear interfere with authenticity and belonging?
Fear is part of nature. It’s a reaction to an immediate threat to our health and well-being. But fear in nature is brief. Most often it’s a reaction to being seen as lunch by a hungry predator. A potential victim runs or fights to survive the attack and then recovers after a short rest.
The lack of belonging and authenticity in our world today can be linked to the effects of prolonged fear. Prolonged fear builds in reaction to events from the past (trauma, rejection, etc.), or worry about what might happen in the future. Much of it is manufactured fear, carefully designed and promoted by politicians and media to get and keep our attention and support. Prolonged fear isn’t discharged through running or fighting but keeps us in a constant state of tension that affects how we see ourselves, each other, and our world.
How does this work?
Belonging and authenticity are long-term, ongoing needs. Fear locks us into short-term, survival-based thinking. Our body, mind, and emotions gear up for action when we’re facing an immediate threat. Everything not necessary for survival essentially shuts down so all our energy and focus can be directed toward fighting off or getting away from danger. These functions don’t fully come back online when we’re in a state of prolonged fear. We become more self-centered, seek control and certainty, and adopt an adversarial mindset. Fear narrows our focus and restricts our thinking – we put people into broad, either/or categories and worry that we don’t have enough or won’t be good enough to deal with the challenges we face.
When needs aren’t met, we adapt. We seek substitutes and compromises. We try to figure out ways to get by and tend to accept what feels “right” at the moment. Authenticity is replaced by self-consciousness or impulsiveness and false belonging becomes an attractive, short-term alternative.
How can we let go of fear and restore authenticity and belonging?
It’s an uphill struggle but the slope becomes less steep as we realize who we really are and go back to our true nature. Actually, remembering the acronym GO-BACK can guide us.
Start with GRATITUDE and OPTIMISM, then commit to restoring and maintaining BALANCE so that fear no longer restricts our vision and thinking; ACCEPT current limitations in ourselves, others, and our culture as a starting point for improvement without judging, blaming, or categorizing; CLARIFY how we have adapted to fear and seek to understand our own and other’s needs, interests, and potential. Be KIND so we can keep our hearts open and act in ways that touch the hearts of others.
GO BACK addresses obstacles to belonging created by fear and allows authenticity to emerge.
Gratitude softens egoistic tendencies and transforms the scarcity mindset that arises when fear becomes a habit. It helps us respect and appreciate what we have and how it can be used to improve our world. It keeps us humble and open while diverting us from the “don’t have enough – aren’t good enough” thinking that keeps us stressed out, isolated, and alone.
Optimism counters narrow and fragmented perceptions that come from fear. It expands our view of current problems to include possibilities and potential. We recognize that the assumption that human beings are essentially self-centered, aggressive, and competitive only describes how we act when we get stuck in prolonged fear. It sees evidence of our true nature in how it feels when we hear a child laugh, help another who is in need, or pull together in times of crisis.
Balance removes the tension that keeps us bound up in fear. It brings our natural capacities for caring, concern, and compassion back online as it restores our ability to see and think clearly. (Click on this link for more information on how to restore and maintain balance)
Acceptance dissolves the adversarial mindset that dominates our perspective when we’re in a state of prolonged fear by taking down walls built on judgment and blame. Acceptance opens a door to understanding in several ways including: Seeing others in the context of their history and challenges; Recognizing that the current situation, no matter how bad, contains opportunities for improving ourselves and our world; Realizing that we all have gifts and potential as well as limitations and that we all make mistakes we can learn from if we don’t get stuck in guilt and blame.
Clarifying confronts the need for certainty and the tendency to use broad categories to classify people and situations. It challenges us to look deeper, to ask questions, and to seek other perspectives. It opens our minds, awakens curiosity and interest, and leads to questions that help us see what’s really happening and realize what really matters.
Kindness dissipates fear. It’s not easy to harm or reject someone who is being kind to us. Kindness can open doors locked by fear. It recognizes our shared humanity and acknowledges the struggle we all face in a world held back by fear.
Applying the principles of GO BACK allows us to see more clearly with a more open heart. When we see each other and our world clearly and allow our hearts to guide us, we naturally seek authenticity and realize that belonging not only allows our best selves to emerge – it creates a better world for all of us.
Bring Truth to Fear 